Dr. Sardonic

Fine Art Makes Me Hungry

2008-05-21T18:18:00.003-04:00

So does this photograph of Yunnan rice terraces (click on pic for full res).

Spinning His Wheel

2008-04-29T23:10:00.004-04:00

Barack had his Sister Souljah moment this weekend. It's not pretty, but while he's busy tossing his pastor to the dogs and politically self-immolating, at least one man is keeping a clear head:

Fun with Fruit and Vegatables

2008-04-29T12:15:00.006-04:00

When I first heard this on the radio, for a few seconds I fretted that Missing Persons might have gotten back together. Ah, but I needn't have worried. Since practically every song from Santogold is from a difhttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifferent genre, there's no danger she'll ever sound as monochromatic as Dale Bozzio. She seems to have picked up a little accent on her way from Philadelphia to Bed-Stuy, but that's OK; worked for Sting. At least she doesn't sing with a Philly accent, and we can all be thankful for that.

May 7 addendum: interesting review of her new album today on Pitchfork.

Yidish far Onhoybers un Republicans

2008-04-25T11:31:00.006-04:00

A tip of the Sardonic Homburg to LB for this instructive shtikl.

And You Thought Maus Was Fiction

2008-04-24T23:57:00.004-04:00

Warning: the site linked to the cat's head contains LOLcat-talk. Just move through the pix, ignore the text, and get the hell out of there, OK?

The Mortal Enemies of Lordi

2008-04-10T16:28:00.004-04:00

They are Turbonegro, the Village People of Norwegian glam deathpunk. It goes downhill from there, I think. These guys got on my radar when they canceled their gig at Coachella. They score some points with a clever site gate, then double those points with improbable entries in their band bio: "due to a damaged foot, personal priorities and a focus on other projects, we have been forced to ask drummer Chris Summers to resign from Turbonegro." Maybe he'll replaced by Techno Viking?

Fiery Fracas in France

2008-04-07T15:07:00.009-04:00

The normally eternal Olympic Flame hit a hurdle today (love that metaphor) in Paris as torch-bearers ran into angry mobs of protesters. The situation had gotten so out of hand that the torch had to travel part of the way on a bus, requiring the torch to be extinguished at least three times. No biggie, though, because naturally everyone on the bus was smoking, and no one in France has ever missed an episode of King of the Hill.

The Chinese were quick to express their equally eternal and surprisingly spontaneous gratitude towards the fumeurs français fabuleux.

You Are What You (Hopefully) Choke On

2008-03-18T15:37:00.008-04:00

So where do the elite circles in Beijing like to masticate? A jerk joint, you say? No, silly, those are Jamaican, but that was an excellent guess. Truth is, after a hard day of suppressing Tibetans, tainting dog food, and supervising prison production quotas of toxic toys, the savviest Chinese overlords repair to a big dick restaurant. No, really.

An erudite explication of the finer points of Chinese large-penis cuisine may be taken in here.

A tip of the Sardonic Glans-o'-Shanter to the JAH-mon for alerting me to this gristly tidbit.

Finally, A Solution To Underconfigured Ribbons

2008-03-17T14:26:00.006-04:00

I walked past this book the other day at the Strand. New York's mightiest bookstore specializes in used books, but also has a selection of the more important new titles, such as this 696-page tome on customizing the ribbon in Microsoft Office. I was actually looking for that new three-volume set on Using Folders in Windows, but it must be back-ordered.

Death-Metal Dog

2008-03-13T20:44:00.007-04:00

OK, it's only funny for twenty seconds, but ten of those seconds are really funny.

Have you seen Leopard?

2008-02-20T20:00:00.003-05:00

Perfect Companion Gift To Shoe-Phone!

2008-02-18T18:55:00.006-05:00

Those crazy guys at B&H never stop scouring the World of High-Tech on the Information Superhighway, I tell you what! Look at what they came up with now: a hidden surveillance camera that's hidden inside – get this – a cell phone. And here's the incredible part: this camera not only shoots in color, but it's wireless, which means you get "true [sic] portable hidden surveillance". And consider this: "Going wireless also eliminates the chances of someone stumbling upon an RCA cable and figuring out the true purpose of this device." Wow! A cell-phone camera that's both wireless and portable! Needless to say, it's a non-functioning cell phone, but hey, what do you expect for only $389.95? I think I'll order two and duct-tape one of them to my computer monitor!

Eastern Freedom Front

2008-02-03T17:36:00.000-05:00

In a move that's getting little press attention in the U.S., but Boot-loads of coverage in Germany, Secretary of Defense Gates sent a letter to the German Minister of Defense requesting that the Bundeswehr redeploy to southern Afghanistan. Germany currently has 3,500 troops in the north of Afghanistan, engaged mainly in projects such as building schools and bridges. Germany's decision last March to send a whopping six Tornado jets to Afghanistan at NATO's request unleashed a political maelstrom in Berlin, even though the jets were to be used strictly for reconaissance. Now, Gates is prodding the Germans to get serious and send troops south. You know, where the fighting is – and where the Taliban is currently kicking NATO butt.

Most German commentators, from all sectors of the political terrain, have been quick to point out the obvious connection between the thin deployment of US forces in southern Afghanistan and that, er, other conflict a couple of countries to the west. In effect, Germany is being asked to send troops to the eastern front of Bush's Mess O'Potamia, and they don't remember signing up for that.

In case you're wondering, Germany is in Afghanistan in the first place because it's a (key) member of NATO. And NATO is in Afghanistan because one of its members states was attacked (that would be US). But here's the really interesting question: why isn't NATO in Iraq? I mean, sure, a few NATO member states have troops in Iraq: the US, UK, Poland, Turkey (oops!). But the alliance won't go near it. Why? Because Iraq never attacked a NATO member state, nor did it ever threaten to, that's why. If Iraq had ever threatened the security of a member state, NATO would have had to take action, as it did in the Balkan war of the 90's, and as it is now in Afghanistan. So here's what's really funny: the simple fact that NATO has no troop presence in Iraq has always given the lie to any purported connection between the US invasion of 2003 and the attacks of 9/11.

More astonishing is the actual connection between the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Candidates Clinton and Obama have focused on this connection for some time now, and this has not been lost on the Germans (nor, for that matter, on anyone in the Pentagon with a brain). And this mess is only beginning. The Canadians are sending the message that they're no longer willing to deploy to the "hot" area south of Kandahar while the Germans and other NATO members are busy polishing their helmets in uncontested territory — which is a perfect cue for a gratutious Rammstein video:

Bundeswehr - Afghanistan

It's Only Funny If You're Not Autistic

2008-01-31T20:39:00.000-05:00

New iPhone Campaign

2008-01-06T15:52:00.000-05:00

David Lynch sez: Watch Different.

A twitch of the Sardonic severed ear to Mike Skuras for this one.

Rosie's Rockin' Sister

2007-11-18T12:22:00.000-05:00

It's not often that I scroll past the first screen of Wikipedia, but after spying today's Featured Picture, I'll be peeking there more frequently. There are roughly a million cool things about this 1942 photograph of an aircraft worker in Burbank. Can you find them all?

Fashion Chains

2007-11-16T14:37:00.000-05:00

And I bet nobody saw this coming! Turns out GapKids clothing is made by actual kids! That's so cute! OK, so technically, the garments are made by child slaves. But I'm sure that the (PRODUCT) RED™ garments are made by socially conscience child slaves.

Santa's Ha's: What's Going On Down Under?

2007-11-15T15:39:00.000-05:00

Well, ha ha ha, I bet nobody saw this coming!

Bummer

2007-11-01T23:31:00.000-04:00

First, I miss The Go! Team show at Studio B. Then, I wake up this morning with bite marks on my neck and legs. Halloween run-in with a zombie, perhaps? Even creepier: they're mosquito bites – in fucking November. This month is not starting off well – is there no bottom in sight?*

*just skip past the red pandas for the punch line, OK?

Wackistan

2007-10-19T22:52:00.000-04:00

Whatever group orchestrated yesterday's bloodbath in Karachi is probably still congratulating themselves on a smashing success: scores killed, hundreds wounded, and headlines worldwide. Most fingers are pointing at the Taliban, or al Qaeda, or at any number of usual suspects in Pakistan's lawless tribal areas. No doubt a plague of conspiracy theories will soon be upon us, brought to you by the same loonies who think 9/11 was an inside job. It's not hard to understand why. Let's look at the immediate results of the Karachi attacks:

1. Two days ago, President/General Pervez Musharraf didn't seem to have a friend in the world, much less in Pakistan. Now, he's falling over himself trying to push through the very emergency laws and suspension of rights he's been itching to implement for ages. Who's going to stand in his way now?

2. Two days ago, Benazir Bhutto was, to put it mildly, viewed with some suspicion within her own party for striking the deal with Musharraf that allowed her to return to Pakistan after eight years in exile. To many others in the country, she was under a cloud of suspicion for the corruption charges leveled against her when she was ousted as prime minister. Now, she's viewed as a heroic (if, by her own admission, somewhat foolhardy) defender of democracy.

3. Two days ago, most residents of Karachi probably didn't spend a lot of time thinking about the Taliban. Now...well, figure it out.

Overnight, both Musharraf and Bhutto have been unburdened of their most crippling political problems, and everybody hates the Taliban. Does Taliban mean "brain trust" in Urdu? I don't think so.

Full of Beans

2007-10-16T20:36:00.001-04:00

Do you suffer from anxiety brought on by looming legume larder lacunae? Do burgeoning bean transportation costs keep you up at night? Come to Midwood, Brooklyn, and leave your bean worries behind.

Nobody Knows the Bottoms Bohl's Seen

2007-09-26T12:23:00.000-04:00

At first glance, this Charles Schwab banner ad strikes a chord. Who hasn't kicked themselves for not buying into a market bottom out of fear, only to watch it steadily rise for months afterwards? Who has not, at some point, bought confidently into a surging market, only to have the ground pulled out from under them, Wile E. Coyote-like?

Everyone, but that doesn't make Mr. Bohl's seemingly sage advice any less tautological: markets hit tops precisely when people become "too optimistic" or, say, irrationally exuberant. Similarly, people think a diving market will sink even further precisely because they think it hasn't bottomed yet and — here's the important part — because there's no way of knowing when a market has bottomed until it starts to recover, from which vantage point the market at bottom was "too pessimistic" by definition. Obviously, if investors could know by some kind of divine revelation that the market had just hit bottom, they wouldn't be pessimistic at all, would they? In fact, they'd be glowing from within (as would trade stations swamped with buy orders), because markets rise from bottoms — again, by definition. But nobody glows because nobody knows. You see, boys and girls, market tops and bottoms are only visible in the rear-view mirror. And that's a good thing. If God (or worse, Ben Bernanke) were ever to announce, "The market has hit top today — that's all, folks!", so many sell orders would come in that Wall Street would implode into a tiny black (or red) hole.

So now go back and read Bohl's gratuitous advice. The more you read it, the funnier it gets, and the sillier that grin looks.

iPet Poops Tunes

2007-09-22T21:51:00.000-04:00

Tired of all the fuss and mess of trying to meld an iPod with a gerbil? Sony has the perfect product for you:

Dead Bitch Makes Bitch Rich

2007-08-29T11:30:00.000-04:00

Hats off to Leona Helmsley, who succeeded in finding a way to be even more repulsive in death than she was in life.

May all the city's poorer dogs take turns peeing on her mausoleum.

Our Country's Future

2007-08-28T22:22:00.000-04:00

Pax Americana rules the waves, or something like that.

BMT

2007-08-23T17:53:00.000-04:00

Stumbling over the Finnish line:

DeLay Makes Dead Baby Joke

2007-07-18T20:02:00.000-04:00

But it's one of those punch lines you have to think about.

A tip of the Sardonic gynecological reflector to sysm for directing me to this snippet from Max Blumenthal's Generation Chickenhawk video.

In....vite to Tea?

2007-07-18T17:45:00.000-04:00

I just heard a great slip by Condoleezza Rice during an NPR interview this evening. In response to the question everyone's been asking since yesterday's National Intelligence Estimate, namely whether the US strengthened al-Qaida by invading Iraq, she answered that the "ideology of hatred was in place and infecting much of the Middle East long before the United States in-, had to liberate Iraq."

I don't know what's funnier, the truncated "invade", or the gratuitous "had to".

Euro-Gridiron Sighs and Dies

2007-06-29T11:01:00.000-04:00

Let's pause to shed a tear for Europe today, where football is once again just soccer. Dozens upon dozens of Dutch and German fans were dismayed to learn this morning that NFL Europe has finally thrown in the thong, er, towel. After fifteen years of unwatched World Bowls, cheerleaders who look like offensive linemen, and offensive linemen who look like soccer players, the NFL finally got tired of the exorbitant costs of extravagant silliness.

Tool Chamber Chat

2007-06-19T07:44:00.000-04:00

I've mentioned James Yee and Murat Kurnaz in previous posts. Last night, the two of them appeared together for an interview on German TV, along with a couple of German politicians. During the show, Kurnaz revealed that he had become ill during his detention at Guantanamo, but said that he didn't request medical treatment because that required first signing a confession. Beyond the nagging detail of his innocence, which had been established by US intelligence officers years before his release, he also observed that detainees on occasion returned from the infirmary with missing fingers or limbs. Yee could not directly corroborate punitive amputations, but confirmed that Kurnaz's assessment was shared by many detainees. When Yee told the story of his own arrest, during which he was thrown in the back of a truck wearing the same black hood of the detainees he had previously ministered to, Kurnaz's eyes widened. It was closest thing to an emotional reaction shown by Kurnaz, who otherwise detailed his five years of detention and torture with a blank expression.

The US has spent its last dollar of international credibility on systematic torture, and what does it have to show for it? What fruit has this "valuable tool" (Dick Cheney) yielded? Exactly one conviction, that of deranged kangaroo skinner David Hicks. When Cheney called torture of suspects in the "War on Terror" a "no-brainer", I guess he wasn't kidding.

Condiment City

2007-06-16T12:51:00.000-04:00

The inevitable finally happened: I ran out of mustard. Timing was poor; I already had a batch of Bockwürste on the stove. Across the street was a new store I'd been meaning to check out; their sign advertised olive oils from southern Italy, so I thought maybe they'd have mustard as well. Denied: just olive oil, plus one expensive bottle of wine. No problem, though, the owner told me; all I need to do is go to the mustard store around the corner.

Pinch me.

Ah, Berlin

2007-05-31T06:14:00.000-04:00

Where the cars are small, the tube-meat is large, and the girls are voracious.

Chicago-Style Hot Dog auf Deutsch

2007-05-16T03:29:00.000-04:00

No sport peppers, alas, but you'd be hard pressed to notice them anyway under all that mustard, ketchup, and tartar sauce. And it's comforting to know that these are hot (heisse) hot dogs; the cold hot dogs are one booth over.

Mach fix mit den fixins'!

Chest-Grabbingly Hearty

2007-05-16T02:58:00.000-04:00

It's the least kosher, least halal, least healthy thing you could possibly eat.

C'mon, you know what it is.

It's my breakfast.

Target: Online Music

2007-05-15T07:49:00.000-04:00

I don't remember the last time I listened to music on the radio, and I'm talking way before I came to Germany. Maybe you're lucky enough to live in a town with reliable college stations (Boston Radio Rocks!). More likely, you've either given up on music radio, or you're hopelessly addicted to the Clear Channel playlist.
I listen to net radio practically every day, but those days may be numbered. A new royalty payment scheme that takes effect July 15 could put net radio out of business. Happily, there's legislation pending that would (fairly) cap these payments, and you can exercise your micro-mandate as well as your fingers by clicking here. I've been generally skeptical (nigh sardonic) regarding web-based initiatives, but my new hero, FCC Commissioner Michael Copps, presents a good case for, um, actually doing something.

More info here.

Stil hier?

2007-05-10T02:40:00.000-04:00

When I lived here in 1995, this is what most of Weimar looked like: decrepit, grayish-brown buildings, not much different than the rest of eastern Germany.

Few had been renovated, and some still showed damage from WWII. East Germany still felt like a different country. Take a closer look, though (or just click on the picture below), and you can start to see the decorative elements embedded in the crud.

Weimar was named European Cultural Capital for 1999 while I was still here, and money started coming in. Now many (if not most) buildings look like this, which is the building to the left of the one above:

Hitler's favorite town is still in the shadow of Buchenwald, but at least it's all prettied up now.

Wieners Are Small

2007-05-09T05:19:00.000-04:00

Frankfurters aren't much bigger. But the undisputed Wurst World Champ is the Thuringian Bratwurst. Sightings of this encased-meat beast in its full glory are rare in southern Germany, but for most other Germans, this is what a Bratwurst looks like. Note that my colleague here, Prof. Fontsie von Schweinfresser, has already taken a bite out of this one (click pics to embiggen). Size matters: they're almost always cooked over an open fire, so the bigger ones tend to be juicier. Eating one of these causes one to wonder why all food isn't made from ground pork and veal. Eating two can lead to eating a third, which is best avoided.

Fucking, Austria

2007-05-05T14:14:00.000-04:00

Proving once again that Austrian unintentional humor is every bit as funny as German unintentional humor:

From Alsace to Malice

2007-05-02T04:07:00.000-04:00

I was on my way to France for dinner recently (not as awful as it sounds), and came across this architectural curiosity. It marks the entrance to the "German Wine Route", the magical border crossing where Alsatian wine becomes Rheinpfalz wine. The warm, welcoming design of the gateway is garnished, if you're traveling eastward into the Daddyland, by that friendly-looking eagle on the top of the reich, er, right column. And say, what's that wreathed insignia it's clutching in its claw? Looks like someone tried to erase it or something. Like, with a machine gun.

So Where's David Hasselhoff?

2007-04-05T06:03:00.001-04:00

Over the years, I've been known to rant about how awful German radio programming is. Yet I'm haunted by the gnawing feeling that I've never given this aural horror its full due. And so, giddy with remorse, I post the last seven songs played on the local station, SWR1 (Southwest Radio 1):

11:48 – How deep is your love
The Bee Gees

11:41 – Good people
Johnson, Jack

11:37 – Take it easy
The Eagles

11:30 – Burning love
Presley, Elvis

11:25 – Leaving on a jet plane
Denver, John

11:17 – Honesty
Joel, Billy

11:14 – Private eyes
Hall & Oates

Now, some of you might want to spare a song or two on this list from my Sardonic bile. But that misses the point. Look at that playlist. What tinnitus-tormented Teuton wedged Elvis between John Denver and The Eagles? Then, as you're reeling, pained and confused, they hit you with the Bee Gees. They don't mess around here; they want you to break down and cry.

Gluttons for punishment can find the latest pop perversity here.

Cool School

2007-03-16T13:53:00.000-04:00

No, really, watch this, and you'll learn how to become King Cool*.

*or at least as cool as King was for about five minutes in the 80's.

Trebuchet Redux

2007-03-12T14:56:00.000-04:00

If the Scots had had one of these when Longshanks pointed his Warwolf at Stirling Castle in 1304, they still would have lost, but they would have cared less.

A tip o' the Sardonic Bascinet to Dr. JAH-mon for aiming the Lite Launcher at me.

What Is Japan?

2007-02-25T17:09:00.001-05:00

It's a place we can never understand.

Neo-Nazi Nabbed

2007-02-15T23:41:00.000-05:00

Ernst Zündel was sentenced to the maximum five years in prison today in Mannheim, Germany, for Holocaust denial, which is a violation of laws against racial sedition in both Germany and Austria. The charges against him stemmed from an anti-Semitic website he ran out of Canada. Kudos to the Canucks for doing the right thing and extraditing him at Germany's request.

I can't wait for Iranian Pres. Ahmadinejad's next state visit to Berlin.

Patti Cake

2007-02-12T21:36:00.000-05:00

Patti Smith singing most* of "You Light Up My Life" on the TV show "Kids Are People Too":

*she omits one pesky high note.

Best Geezer Video Ever

2007-02-10T19:19:00.000-05:00

Nick Cave still has the mojo, song lyrics notwithstanding. FYI: NSFW.

Hub Hoax Hubbub

2007-02-01T12:29:00.000-05:00

B.A. already snagged this one, but I can't let a terror attack on my erstwhile hometown pass without comment. The terror group was the Mooninites, perpetual tormentors of the Aqua Teen Hunger Force. The difference here is that the Mooninites' insults usually just bounce off the ATHF — but Boston panicked. Big time. They called out the Bomb Squad, the Coast Guard (!), and threw the conspirators in jail. This is the kind of fun-loving, lighthearted behavior I've learned to expect from the town I fled nine years ago (my last memory of Boston is a police riot — there's no other way to describe it — directed at the audience of an outdoor Green Day concert). Besides, how can a town that calls itself the Hub of the Universe not expect to draw the attention of the irascible Mooninites?

Lost Rendition

2007-01-26T12:37:00.000-05:00

This is Murat Kurnaz. He grew the dope beard in Gitmo. That's also where he got the huge chest, because apparently there's not much else to do in Guantanamo between torture sessions except push-ups.

Kurnaz is Turkish citizen, born and raised in Bremen. In Germany, this isn't a contradiction: foreign nationals born in the Fatherland need to go through a naturalization process if they want to become citizens. At age nineteen, the apprentice shipbuilder got married at a ceremony in Turkey, an experience that apparently triggered a spiritual awakening. So he decided to go to Muslim School, and traveled to Pakistan on his Turkish passport to shop for a madrassa. It was September, 2001.

You see where this is going.

Shortly after the 9/11 attacks, Kurnaz, who never actually succeeded in finding a madrassa to his liking, was whisked off the street by the Pakistan military, which was then scrambling to demonstrate what a steadfast ally of the US they were (they've since lost that zeal). Shortly thereafter, he was flown to a US military detention center in Kandahar, Afghanistan, where he was "suspended for several days in chains" and "inspected by a doctor only for his 'fitness to be tortured'."

In January 2002, he was flown to Guantanamo Bay, where he was variously suspended by handcuffs, beaten, waterboarded, given electric shocks, and doused with pepper spray. He witnessed a fellow detainee being beaten to death. And according to Amnesty International, "on one occasion, a military officer loaded his gun and pointed it at Murat Kurnaz’ head, screaming at him to admit to being an al-Qa’ida associate". By autumn of that year, the US military finally decided he wasn't an enemy combatant after all, and began processing his release.

Now it really gets funny.

The Turks decided it wouldn't be good PR to accept delivery of a "suspected terrorist" from Gitmo while they were bucking for admission into the European Union, where there was considerable concern about Turkey becoming a conduit for Islamic extremists heading west. Germany, in turn, was concerned that Kurnaz's experience of detention at Gitmo might have shifted his allegiances towards radical Islamists, who in turn would capitalize on Kurnaz's horrific story. So Frank-Walter Steinmeier, then Chancellor Schröder's chief of staff and charged with handling the case, argued that since Kurnaz was traveling on a Turkish passport, he should be repatriated to Turkey. Turkey argued, more convincingly, that Kurnaz had never lived in Turkey, and so should be returned to Germany.

This went on for four years.

Now Steinmeier, currently Germany's foreign minister, is charged with something else. Since Kurnaz was finally released from Gitmo last August, pressure has been mounting for him to explain why he left Kurnaz to rot for four years after both US and German intelligence officials determined that he was innocent. According to Kurnaz, the only explanation he's received thus far is when visiting German officials at Gitmo (whose presence there at all is also a scandal in Germany) told him "we don't want you back in Germany," and that he should stop complaining -- after all, he was spending time "in the Caribbean."

So if you see Kurnaz's hirsute mug in the news next week (he's received scant coverage in the US up to now), it will be under the headline of the German foreign minister's ousting. Since Steinmeier holds the top post of the junior partner (the Social Democrats) in Germany's grand coalition government, it may even make page one. By the way, if you see a picture of another big long-haired guy in that same article, don't mix him up with Kurnaz. That's Khalid El-Masri, the other German graduate of our renowned extraordinary rendition program. You see, he was flown to Afghanistan to be tortured not because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, like Kurnaz, but because his name is very similar to Khalid al-Masri, a known al-Qa’ida operative. Different case.

Cache, Flow Troubles at YouTube

2007-01-10T00:53:00.000-05:00

Mainly, this is just an excuse to showcase Bunny, my new favorite filly from Philly. "My Box in a Box" (above) was item #1 on MSNBC's Countdown last night. But here's the thing: if you go to YouTube, whence Keith Olbermann plucked this video, you'd never find it by browsing through the pre-rolled sections there. It shows up on neither the "Top Rated" nor "Top Favorites" lists — which is odd, because all of the videos on those lists have fewer than the four stars of "My Box in a Box". Even worse, do a search for "My Box in a Box" on YouTube (go ahead, I'll wait), or just go to one of the Top lists. Notice how the ratings and stats in the list view are preserved once you click through to the video? Neither do I.

YouTube became popular by focusing on a core set of functions, and one of those was supposed to be video selection. But the more time I spend on it, the more I notice how hard it is to find the good stuff. Even though I know many worthwhile productions live on the site (caught God, Inc. yet?), it doesn't matter if I can't find them. If YouTube really wants to be more of a destination and not just a video server for other pages (and a lawsuit magnet), it had better start showing us its stuff right quick.

Not-Too-Shabby Road

2007-01-06T19:07:00.000-05:00

It'd be OK to skip the first half; you'll be wanting to see the second half again anyway.

The Monkey Shuffle

2006-12-17T14:48:00.000-05:00

Sysm gave hope to the attentionally challenged and to obsessive tune-hoarders alike this past March by vowing to listen to every song on his iPod before acquiring any more. Sadly, my iTunes play-counts indicate I haven't listened to over half the songs in my collection even once. Now that's a lie, because it doesn't count my MacAMP, Audion, and SoundJam imports. But I switched to iTunes in 2002, so at best that still means I haven't listened to those songs in four+ years. Since I recently passed my iPod storage limit, I'm thinking I should cull my song collection as well. Sysm stoically waded through his collection by Artist. Less sysmatically, I’m taking short dips sorted by Song.

This has given rise to some inspired simian simulacra of playlists that threaten to put my hand-rolled ones out of business:

Sesami	Shonen Knife
Set Phasers To Stun	Taking Back Sunday
Set Up	The Au Pairs
Set Your Receivers	Meat Beat Manifesto
Seven Months	Portishead
Seven Nation Army	The White Stripes
Seven Seas	Echo & The Bunnymen
Seven Years	Norah Jones
Seventeen	Sex Pistols
Sex	Berlin
Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll	Ian Dury
Sex appeal	Ute Lemper
Sex Boy	The Germs
Sex Farm	Spinal Tap
Sex or Weight Lifting	Adam Sandler

The Dottle Line

2006-12-13T18:36:00.000-05:00

This is Social Democrat (SPD) chairman Peter Struck (left) and deputy SPD leader Joachim Poss celebrating Poss's recognition today by the German tobacco industry as Pipe Smoker of the Year. By remarkable coincidence, the German parliament is currently considering federal anti-smoking regulations. Bans have recently been enacted in Spain and France, and now the very Ashtray of Europe itself is under threat. The SPD has a long and proud tradition of pipe-smoking spokesmen, but how long can it be before the pipe-puffing politician goes the way of muttonchops, salted lard butter-rolls, and the occasional invasion of France?

Just kidding. Salted lard butter-rolls aren't going anywhere.

Festival of Dark

2006-12-11T18:03:00.000-05:00

I guess you just have to expect extra darkness this time of year, but we're off to quite a week so far. First, Augusto Pinochet celebrates Human Rights Day by finally croaking. Today, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad kicks off his festival of Holocaust denial. Hey kids, don't miss featured speaker David Duke. No, really: David fuckkking Duke.

The main effect of this Iran Idiotarod will be a renewed circling of the wagons around Israel by the West, the brunt of which will be borne by the Palestinians. Ahmadinejad never tires of claiming to be Palestine's best friend. Personally, I'd soon tire of having a friend like that.

Indian Men Swell Less With Pride

2006-12-08T13:48:00.000-05:00

I just heard a report on the BBC World Service about a comprehensive study in India which found that "more than half of the men measured had penises that were shorter than international standards for condoms." Skeptics may rest assured that "scientists even checked their sample was representative of India as a whole in terms of class, religion and urban and rural dwellers." But Indian men are not shrinking from this challenge to their national pride. According to Sunil Mehra, former editor of the Indian version of Maxim, they need not be concerned about measuring up internationally: "It's not size, it's what you do with it that matters," he said. "From our population, the evidence is Indians are doing pretty well."

A tip o' the Sardonic Jimmy Hat to the World Service presenter Judy Swallow who managed to make it through this entire story without so much as a slight pause. That woman has ice in her veins. With a name like that, she'd better.

Parthian Bull's-Eye

2006-12-04T06:12:00.000-05:00

Kofi Annan said in a BBC interview broadcast this morning that the situation in Iraq has become "much worse" than a civil war, and that life for average Iraqis is now worse than under the regime of Saddam Hussein: "they had a dictator who was brutal but they had their streets, they could go out, their kids could go to school and come back home without a mother or father worrying, 'Am I going to see my child again?'."

Asked for comment, President Bush said that Annan's remarks only underscored the bad feeling he had about graceful exits.

Plains Talk About Palestine

2006-11-27T16:58:00.000-05:00

Apparently some find Jimmy Carter's use of the word "apartheid" in the title of his new book on Palestine inflammatory. Panicked neo-moderates John Conyers, Charlie Rangel, Nancy Pelosi, and Howard Dean have scrambled to distance themselves from the moral leader of their Party quicker than a greased page in the Senate Cloak Room. Maybe Jimmy can send them all party-packs of his peanuts; I hear they work wonders for the spine.

Some excerpts from his book's summary:

Israel’s continued control and colonization of Palestinian land have been the primary obstacles to a comprehensive peace agreement in the Holy Land. In order to perpetuate the occupation, Israeli forces have deprived their unwilling subjects of basic human rights. No objective person could personally observe existing conditions in the West Bank and dispute these statements.

Two other interrelated factors have contributed to the perpetuation of violence and regional upheaval: the condoning of illegal Israeli actions from a submissive White House and U.S. Congress during recent years, and the deference with which other international leaders permit this unofficial U.S. policy in the Middle East to prevail. There are constant and vehement political and media debates in Israel concerning its policies in the West Bank, but because of powerful political, economic, and religious forces in the United States, Israeli government decisions are rarely questioned or condemned, voices from Jerusalem dominate in our media, and most American citizens are unaware of circumstances in the occupied territories.

The United States has used its U.N. Security Council veto more than forty times to block resolutions critical of Israel. Some of these vetoes have brought international discredit on the United States, and there is little doubt that the lack of a persistent effort to resolve the Palestinian issue is a major source of anti-American sentiment and terrorist activity throughout the Middle East and the Islamic world.

Texans in Vietnam: A Brief History

2006-11-20T20:52:00.000-05:00

When I heard Fearless Leader say that the main lesson of Vietnam (the host country of his comment, mind you) for the Iraq War was that "we'll succeed unless we quit", I immediately wanted to post a comment. However, I was confident that Keith Olbermann would one-up me, hence laziness prevailed.

Substitute "retreat" for "quit", and you've got Olbermann's best "Special Comment" ever, methinks.

Tastes Like Surrender

2006-11-08T21:25:00.000-05:00

Le beau de Tits, this has been your finest hour.

"Tomorrow, you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags."

GOP Haggard

2006-11-03T22:09:00.000-05:00

This is like watching the Hypocrisy Olympics: first, Mark Foley smashes the old record, then before the dust even settles, a new mark is set that makes Elmer Gantry looks like a country preacher. Actually, Elmer Gantry was a country preacher, and so is the Rev. Ted Haggard, whose country parish is 30 million strong. Apparently Rev. Haggard, president of the National Association of Evangelicals, has been finding time over the past two years between his weekly White House strategy meetings and his campaigning against gay marriage to have regular trysts with a gay prostitute who doubled as his meth dealer.

Foley self-immolated in a spectacular eruption of confession and then vanished in its plume of smoke, but Haggard's wants to celebrate in the end zone, prolonging the exquisite agony of his political seppuku by fessing up piecemeal.

John Kerry's reaction to this breaking story, muttered from the dark basement lab where Democratic operatives have sequestered him until after the election: "Pinch me."

Note to Sen. Kerry: just because Haggard has diverted attention away from your not-so-swift remark about US soldiers in Iraq doesn't mean you ever, ever get to think about running for President again.

Franks for the Memories

2006-11-03T18:58:00.000-05:00

Denied at our first attempt to enter Chicago's holiest shrine of encased meats, our plucky pod of pilgrims (including spiritual advisors B.A. and Rev. Jack) finally made it to the Promised Stand yesterday: Hot Doug's. What other hot dog hut requires an entrance with two vestibules because of the constant line out the door? Where else can you order a "Saucisse de Toulouse with Blood Orange Mustard Cream and Fromage Chaume"? New Yorkers even thinking about challenging Chicago's frank supremacy are herewith invited to fuggetaboudit.

Sysm and I split an order of Bacon and Cheddar Elk Sausage and Roasted Apple and Cherry Pork Sausage.

I'm still smiling, and I have both hands on the keyboard, I swear.

Winner Crowned

2006-10-24T15:45:00.000-04:00

How is it possible that in the Graphics Production Capital of the World, the winner of a showcase sporting event cracks his skull on a slippery logo decal of the event's main sponsor at the finish line?

I can't stop thinking about this.

Veil Chic, Bathos Girl

2006-10-14T19:00:00.000-04:00

As I was listening this morning to mawkish NPR host Scott Simon and DIY pop god Billy Bragg laud the UK for its supposed embrace of cultural diversity, I couldn't help recalling Jack Straw's ill-considered musings last week about the deleterious effects of veil-wearing on communication and community. Naturally, opposition MP's were only too happy to chime in on this topic, and now the, er, veil has been dropped: a Muslim teacher in West Yorkshire has been suspended for wearing a veil in class.

I saw a lot of veiled Muslim women while I was in Asia this summer, and let me tell you that in their primary function of desexing, veils fail miserably. Problem is, veils are sexy, a point proven time and again on I Dream of Jeannie — an American show, of course, and just one of the reasons we have a leg up on the Brits on this issue. Not only that, but veils are cool, which is why ninjas were them.

In fact, how long can it be before veils are donned by the nubile smart set as a fashion statement? How cool would that be? Of course, a matching halter top would be even cooler, but that'll probably have to wait until next summer.

404 Foley

2006-10-04T16:50:00.000-04:00

In the most entertaining congressional scandal ever, where to begin? Not at Foley's official site, which now redirects to a House "Current Vacancies" page.

I just can't decide which part of this imbroglio is the juiciest: that Foley was the Republican point man for kiddie porn and chair of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children? Or that after the first round of revelations, his office said that requesting photos of teen pages was SOP and that his electoral opponent was just trying to smear him (now there's a page ripped out of the Rove manual)? Right now my vote goes to his IM message to a boy who had just identified himself to Foley as underage: "we may need to drink at my house so we don't get busted".

Whoever has the factory order for Mark Foley Halloween masks had better look into expanding their production capacity.

Man Bites Bear!

2006-09-20T23:47:00.000-04:00

Bear wins fight, starts wearing "Don't Mess with Gu Gu the Panda" T-shirt.

Grasping Opportunistic Dilettante or Idiot?

2006-09-15T13:57:00.000-04:00

Dr. S is pleased to see that while he's been distracted with lab business, Mr. Olbermann has been carrying the torch.

Back on the Attack

2006-08-14T00:01:00.000-04:00

Fine, so I go to Thailand for two months to chill, only to have ABC's "This Week with George Stephanopoulos" harsh my mellow.

The top topic hasn't changed much since I left: it's still terrorism.

Here's the trenchant insight offered Sunday by ABC's Martha Radditz: "It's time to face the question: what causes terrorism?" [Really? So soon?]

Former Cabinet officer and Harvard professor Robert Reich proffered this incisive follow-up: what causes the "anger and hate" against America? [But doesn't asking that question mean the haters win?]

We're just short of the five-year anniversary of the 9/11 attack, and still, the most important issue we face as Americans is almost always addressed in question form. Occasionally, a few brave souls dare whisper what's considered the obvious answer amongst the "smarter set", most recently in Sunday's NYT: it's Iraq, stupid.

Um, but didn't 9/11 happen before we invaded and occupied Iraq?

Our President explained shortly after 9/11 that we were under attack because the terrorists "hated freedom". The target of their attack was our "way of life". This is why nineteen Arabs spent all that time plotting the hijacking of four airliners in an attack that resulted in their own violent death. Sure, make sense to me; nothing tops freedom and lifestyle for fanning the flames of devoted, suicidal hatred.

Anyway, on a completely unrelated note, here's something I came across in Friday's NYT: "Israel has asked the Bush administration to speed delivery of short-range antipersonnel rockets armed with cluster munitions" for use in Lebanon. According to Señor Official, the "request for M-26 artillery rockets, which are fired in barrages and carry hundreds of grenade-like bomblets that scatter and explode over a broad area, is likely to be approved shortly." Although "the Reagan administration determined in 1982 that the cluster munitions had been used by Israel against civilian areas", the ensuing ban against selling Israel such munitions was soon lifted, and all that stands in the way of the current shipment is: the State Department? Maybe Condi got a little itchy after Israel attacked another Lebanese army base on Thursday (incinerating in the process a convoy of refugees that had fled there to escape the onslaught): this is the same Lebanese army she wants to buddy up with UN forces to "monitor" the buffer zone she's pitching to the Security Council.

The Lebanese prime minister has said that the Israeli invasion has set the country back fifty years. The death toll on the Lebanese "side" is already over a thousand. Meanwhile, Israel wants us to expedite its order for more cluster bombs. Apparently, antipersonnel rocketry is one of the few industries where the world still looks to the United States for leadership.

I bet the people in Lebanon are starting to become real freedom-haters, too.

In the G/House!

2006-07-19T00:32:00.000-04:00

This must be the Chiang Mai crib for Fitty's boyz when they tour Asia.
I'm guessing the roadies get lodged down the alley from here, at the Backpackers' Guesthouse.

Warning Box, Part II

2006-07-17T08:32:00.000-04:00

I told you that other one was mild. Let's just call this one "unfiltered", shall we?

Thai Teak Monkey Sex!

2006-07-11T11:34:00.000-04:00

Apparently some monkeys can swing without vines.

A tip o' the Sardonic pith helmet to B.A., just because.

Yellow Peril

2006-07-10T07:52:00.000-04:00

Most of the hotels I've been quartered in here issue two standard glass deposit bottles of Singha Drinking Water per day. At the Moon & Sun Hotel in Chiang Rai, I worked up the temerity (and the vocabulary) to ask for an extra one. This is what I got (click to enlarge):

Three words you never want to see on a bottle of water in the Third World are "special", "yellow", and "surprise".

Warning Box

2006-07-08T07:45:00.001-04:00

The anti-smoking campaign is another area where Thais have enjoyed great success. If you want to buy a pack of smokes, you need to look for a sign reading "Cigarettes Available Here". By law, the packs themselves cannot be visible to customers; they're usually kept behind a cardboard or metal sheet. You need to say exactly what you want, because they can't show you what brands they have. Once you succeed in ferreting out your brand, this is your reward:

This is one of twelve warning graphics in rotation here; file this one under "mild". And guess what? The anti-smoking effort has been very effective. You see far fewer smokers here than you'd expect for an Asian country. The combination of graphic warning boxes, strict sales regulations, and um, death, seems to work: the Thai smoking rate continues to decline. Philip Morris has been trying to quash the regulations since they were first proposed four years ago, but thankfully without much to show for their efforts.

A flick of the Sardonic cigarette lighter to the Thai Ministry of Public Health!

Thai Population Control

2006-06-18T01:32:00.000-04:00

I just saw a woman on a motorcycle zipping at a good clip down a major road here in Chiang Rai, her very young child (3-4 y.o.) clutching the back of her blouse to stay on the bike. Neither were wearing helmets. Oh, and the woman was driving with one hand, because with her other hand she was talking on her cell phone.

I had just read the other day how effective the Thai population control effort has been. But really, I had no idea.

Who Let the Monks In?

2006-06-04T04:55:00.000-04:00

Dr. S used to go to a lot of tech trade shows. Over the years, he's experienced a handful of what are known in techie circles as "perfect geek moments": an object of high-tech lust presented by a bodacious booth bimbo. Occasionally, revealing costumes are involved.

Just a block away from SardonicLabs Asia Regional Services HQ (aka SARS HQ), there is a five-story high-tech store (tukcom) that is more or less a permanent trade show. It's one of the most popular stores in town. All the major consumer tech vendors (Apple included) have presence there, and each day they one or two of them does a product preso on the main floor. Today it was Samsung's turn: five teenaged girls, in their underwear and high heels, danced and sang songs about Samsung's latest cell phones.

That's how the locals serve up perfect geek moments. But the real reason Dr. S has more or less taken up residence in tukcom has to do with what's served up in their basement: an air-conditioned (big deal here) "food court" featuring about a dozen vendors who prepare your selection to order and never charge more than 80 cents.

As I left tukcom just now, I was passed at the entrance by two Buddhist monks, a rare sight in this town. As I saw them enter the building and pass the area where the next team of teenaged girls (a singing duo from Nokia in white miniskirts) was preparing to go on, I just couldn't keep myself from singing (albeit at a faint, polite-Asian volume), Who let the monks in? Who, who who, who-who?

The Perfect Setup

2006-05-24T20:48:00.000-04:00

Many in the blogosphere (possibly including you, dear reader) were wondering aloud if Stephen Colbert's performance at last month's White House Correspondents Dinner was intentionally omitted in several mainstream media accounts of the event. Dr. S is wondering if such omission was less motivated by politics than politeness. And politeness would dictate that Mr. Colbert send thank-you notes to those reporters who did him the courtesy of refraining from mentioning his performance. Fact is, he bombed — happens to the best of them. If you haven't already seen it, click below to see the obviously well-rehearsed and very funny skit that directly preceded Colbert's speech:

Now go back and look at the Bush reaction shots during Colbert performance (or the ABC feed of the camera trained on Bush). W isn't glowering — he's gloating that he just upstaged the headline act. He had a ringer, and he knew it; the whole thing was his idea. W just figured out what professional comedians have known for ages: there are few better setups for a comedy routine than a failed presidency.

Pimping TAL: Parental Guidance Suggested

2006-05-20T15:23:00.000-04:00

When Dr. S moved to Chicago in 1998, there were three people native sons he wanted to meet. One was radio personality Ira Glass (unbeknownst to Dr. S, all three were radio personalities, but that's a story for another time). One of the many Lab Rules in effect at that time was to not even think about calling the Doctor when This American Life was being broadcast (this was the pre-podcasting era). After this week's program, that rule may be re-instituted. So if you happen to be reading this before TAL's local airtime (it's aired twice per weekend in many major markets), stop reading this jackass blog and turn on the radio. Warning: make sure you don't need to pee beforehand, because once you start listening to the first segment, an interview with the author of The Color of Love, you will be frozen in place for half an hour — and then the second segment will make you pee your pants. The third segment is about the daughter of yet another radio personality, Joseph Helfgot, who for many years had a very popular radio show in Boston called "Talking Sex with Joseph Helfgot". The segment begins with her discussing her father's inordinately popular Human Sexuality class at the Big U, which was known on campus variously as Holes & Poles or T&A. Program note: Dr. S TA'd T&A for Dr. Joe.

Pulp Friction

2006-05-12T10:02:00.000-04:00

The official group portrait of the heads of state of the European Union and Latin America at their summit in Vienna today was interrupted by a bikini-clad Argentinean carnival queen from Greenpeace who was protesting the construction of a pulp mill in Uruguay. After enough time had passed so that, um, everyone could read the sign, she was rushed away immediately
by security, who pretended to be very upset that the assembled dignitaries had been exposed to such exposure.

If Greenpeace America were this smart, maybe they wouldn't have to spend so much time begging on the streets.

Qwest, You're the Best, Now You're Under Arrest

2006-05-11T14:59:00.000-04:00

Corroborating what paranoid wing-nuts have been saying for years, USA TODAY broke the shocking news to the rest of the nation this morning that the NSA has been indeed monitoring domestic phonecalls. Not just of suspected terrorists, Arab-Americans, or DNC members: the aim of the "largest database ever assembled in the world" is to "create a database of every call ever made" in the United States.

A big tip o' the Sardonic three-cornered hat to Qwest, the only major telecomm provider that didn't grab their ankles for Gen. Hayden.

Woe Is Poe

2006-05-07T07:38:00.000-04:00

And this was the reason not long ago
     The North Side lost all glee:
A wind blew out of a cloud by night
     A freak accident, you see —
The Dodgers' Rafael Furcal
     Crashed hard into Derek Lee,
Which put Lee on the disabled list
     Now the Cubs are out to sea.

So Funny It Hurts

2006-05-06T12:34:00.000-04:00

The Doctor knows that Steve Jobs knows that Apple and Microsoft having never been direct competitors. As Saint Nicholas would say, one sells atoms, the other sells bits. But making fun of its actual competitors — Dell, Gateway, and (increasingly) Sony — just isn't as much fun as tugging on Microsoft's cape.

Enter the new Mac ads. These include some of the best-directed spots Apple has executed in 21 (if not 22) years. Some of them are so funny that the Doctor hit replay when he thought no one was looking. A couple, though, caused mild wincing, and the campaign just begs to be parodied. In one instance, however, parody apparently won't be necessary.

It's always best to avoid spitting in the wind, especially when the wind is Microsoft. Would someone please tell Apple Marketing to pull their pants up?

Pimping The War Tapes

2006-05-03T22:13:00.000-04:00

An erstwhile associate of the Doctor's, Chuck Lacy, has been busying himself over the past couple of years exec-producing a film called The War Tapes. Chuck revealed the project's delectably simple plan (and graciously shared some footage) to a gathering of classmates from The Drinking College last May: buy five videocams, give them to soldiers on active duty in Iraq, and see what they, um, shoot. The film premiered over the weekend at the Tribeca Film Festival, where Dr. S was tickled to be in attendance. The festival director personally pimped the film with an introduction that he concluded by saying that there was "no film [he] was more proud to be showing at this year's festival". Not to be out-pimped (well, OK, maybe a little), Dr. S gives The War Tapes TWO VIALS WAY UP; check the web site for additional screenings if you're in the Tri-State area, and look for a wider release soon.

Latest Whitehouse Snow Job Scandal

2006-04-26T17:10:00.000-04:00

Fox has long been an organ of the Republican Party. Now it's official.

Arnold's an Ass Man

2006-04-21T14:04:00.000-04:00

And you can take the Governator at his own word on that topic.

A big tip o' the Sardonic Samba Headdress to ebog for this tasty taste of tastelessness.

Transatlantic Trans Fat

2006-04-14T09:55:00.000-04:00

The Daily News reports this morning that KFC and McDonald's delicacies in the US have ten times the trans fat of their European counterparts. "This is rather surprising because it tells me that it is possible for McDonald's to remove the trans fats because they have done it in European countries," said Steen Stender, a professor of preventive cardiology in Denmark. Well duh, Steen. They're obviously saving the trans fat for their best customers. That's why everyone wants to come here, you silly underweight Dane.

Hey Ho, Ret's Go!

2006-04-13T20:06:00.000-04:00

A super-sized Sardonic shout-out to Brother Sysm for the heads-up on Tuesday's English-language release of Shonen Knife's Genki Shock!

I'll Have a Space-Shot, and Make It a Double!

2006-04-06T10:48:00.000-04:00

According to a news item filed by the Agence France-Presse, a 288-billion mile long cloud of methyl alcohol has been discovered in the Milky Way. In a move that puts "CAUTION: CONTENTS OF THIS CONTAINER MAY BE EXTREMELY HOT" to shame, the French news agency felt compelled to point out that methanol, "a cousin of ethanol, which is found in alcoholic beverages", is "not suitable for human consumption". Apparently, they were concerned that some people might take the news the wrong way.

Is That Really a Search Wand, Mister?

2006-04-04T23:45:00.000-04:00

1. Consider all the surveillance technology and authority bequeathed to Homeland Security over the past four and a half years.

2. Consider that the deputy press secretary for Homeland Security just got arrested for soliciting a 14 year-old over the internet.

3. Consider hiding your children.

Pimping the Lab Guests

2006-03-25T17:31:00.000-05:00

The past few nights Sardonic Labs has happily hosted Swedish lovelies Malin and Timea, who are variously affiliated with the bands Love Is All, Ronderlin, and The Concussions. Love Is All has been getting on the radar of recent; they played the Pitchfork revue and two other shows at SXSW, and grace the back cover of the current issue of FADER. Last night, they played a sold-out show at the Knitting Factory, and are playing tonight at Warsaw in Brooklyn. These guys are great, so if you find yourself in the Tri-State area this evening, you'd have to be a drunken idiot to not check them out. All the lab rats will be there.

Also, a tip o' the Sardonic construction helmet to Lizzo for recently flagging a technical difficulty (as in, this site apparently went really dark Thursday/Friday).

Bracing for the Expected

2006-03-22T16:22:00.000-05:00

Which of these stunners made your heart stop this week?

(1) Monday's New York Post scoop about Tony "Paulie Walnuts" Sirico's past life as an actual mobster, a rehash of an old Smoking Gun story (they cite the source, but fail to mention that this "newly published document" was first posted on TSG in 2001).

(2) Microsoft's postponement of its Windows Vista release.

(3) Bush's press conference remark yesterday that US troops will be in Iraq at least through the end of his term in office.

So here's the key to PR success in the 21st century: embrace others' low expectations. No matter how much egg you may have on your face, if you can restrict your bad press to the realm of the expected, you can get away with anything.

Feets Don't Flail Me Now

2006-03-15T21:34:00.000-05:00

It's Science Day with Dr. Sardonic! So pull yourself together and do this immediately:

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

3. Repeat until you start screaming.

After extensive research, Sardonic Labs has reproduced these astonishing results using the left hand and foot as well.

Amazing Sardonic Corollary: foot movement has no effect on the opposite hand.

Heap-no-tized

2006-03-15T13:38:00.000-05:00

I can't stop listening to this song. Help!

Representing Deutschland

2006-03-03T19:37:00.000-05:00

Looks like self-mockery is becoming a mainstay of German brand equity. With any luck, the trend will spread to France. Ha ha, ja, I only just der funny making now!

A tip o' the Sardonic Pimp Lid to Lizzo for sending me this link.

Shock, Awe, and Flash

2006-03-01T11:30:00.000-05:00

Having recently subjected you, fair reader, to a unwarrantably cruel flogging of your senses, the stirrings of pity in my black heart have moved me to share with you as well the best interactive 3-D (make that DD) Shockwave animation ever. Tip: don't overlook the "Switch View" button.

A heartfelt tip o' the Sardonic jogging visor to Captain Steve for alerting me to this fine site.

It Could Be Worse

2006-02-22T11:13:00.000-05:00

Worried about Arabs running U.S. ports? This should ease your mind.

href="rtsp://qt.vonjupiter.com/qt.vonjupiter.com/berlitzHinted.mov"
target="myself" width="320" height="260" controller="false"
pluginspage="http://www.apple.com/quicktime/download/">

Woody Tunepecker

2006-02-11T11:26:00.000-05:00

In a bold stroke of technology for premature adopters, the prayers of those for whom the iPod-aware BMW was just too subtle an expression of mechanical machismo have finally been answered: presenting the Johnson-navigated iPod.

Pop Eats Itself...And So Does David Hasselhoff

2006-01-29T16:49:00.000-05:00

This is, hands down, the worst music video I have ever seen.

Hasselhoff may have done his best to forever ruin B.J. Thomas covers, but click below to hear the supergirls from Osaka deliver the counterpunch.

href="rtsp://qt.vonjupiter.com/qt.vonjupiter.com/SKraindrops.mov"
target="myself" width="424" height="318" controller="false"
pluginspage="http://www.apple.com/quicktime/download/">

A tip o' the Sardonic puke bucket to "Digital Art" Stark for tossing me the link to Hasselhoff's execrable immolation of a nobly moldy oldie.

Brooklyn Imbroglio

2006-01-19T18:50:00.000-05:00

A tip of the Sardonic butcher's cap to Danny Goldfield for this dandy shot (click to embiggen).

Berlin Clinic Gives Patient the Willies

2006-01-05T20:41:00.000-05:00

But the wurst is yet to come. Read on. Meanwhile, out in the provinces, looks like there's plenty of freelance hitching-up work for Rev. Jack as soon as he can get his ceremonial banjo past customs and into the Fodderland; I believe the Rev.'s church was, in fact, one of the early champions of man & beast unions (and don't miss the "Your Comments" question at page bottom).

Concentration "Camp"

2005-12-29T14:41:00.000-05:00

It's not easy to add a humorous touch to a story about systematic child abuse in a concentration camp run by ex-Nazi friends of Pinochet. I suppose the other shoe to drop will be the story on the retirement home where old Chicago blues men are forced to write headlines for BBC News.

Spongebob Squarestache

2005-12-29T09:16:00.000-05:00

German dyslexics will find this picture really funny; everyone else can just go here to check out some cool QT3D panoramas of Artemis, Berlin's biggest brothel, as well as some other pfiffigen Berliner interior spaces.

Salt That Fatty Pork Slab, White Boy!

2005-12-23T05:01:00.000-05:00

For centuries, Germans have terrorized arteries everywhere, hurling slabs of pork, lard, and butter on defenseless pieces of bread and calling it a snack. But let's not fool ourselves: the Fatterland is just a warm-up act for the real deal. I'm talking about the land of Arterial Inquisition, the Ham Homeland, El País del Porquemada: España! From the Spamiards point of view, any Hunny Boy can eat ladle out the lard, but how 'bout adding some salt to that lard, sí? Ham is to Spain what sausage is to Germany, and friends, Dr. S can testify that the pain in Spain falls mainly on the vein. Sí, sí, ham is already saltier than sausage, but why stop there? Let's dry that ham, call it jamón serrano, and make it the National Meat Product! Jamón serrano has truly opened my eyes even as it has closed my arteries — this is pork paradise! Madrid even has a goddamn Ham Museum, where you can not only eat the exhibit, but wash down the salty treasure with a fine selection of beer, wine, and vermouth, all on tap. Starting to sweat yet? Brace yourself: don't tell your arteries, but there are actually a number of museos del jamón conveniently located throughout Madrid. ¡Olé, olé olé olé!