Salt That Fatty Pork Slab, White Boy!

For centuries, Germans have terrorized arteries everywhere, hurling slabs of pork, lard, and butter on defenseless pieces of bread and calling it a snack. But let's not fool ourselves: the Fatterland is just a warm-up act for the real deal. I'm talking about the land of Arterial Inquisition, the Ham Homeland, El País del Porquemada: España! From the Spamiards point of view, any Hunny Boy can eat ladle out the lard, but how 'bout adding some salt to that lard, sí? Ham is to Spain what sausage is to Germany, and friends, Dr. S can testify that the pain in Spain falls mainly on the vein. Sí, sí, ham is already saltier than sausage, but why stop there? Let's dry that ham, call it jamón serrano, and make it the National Meat Product! Jamón serrano has truly opened my eyes even as it has closed my arteries — this is pork paradise! Madrid even has a goddamn Ham Museum, where you can not only eat the exhibit, but wash down the salty treasure with a fine selection of beer, wine, and vermouth, all on tap. Starting to sweat yet? Brace yourself: don't tell your arteries, but there are actually a number of museos del jamón conveniently located throughout Madrid. ¡Olé, olé olé olé!